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Anxiety sucks

When life feels meaningless, the impending doom of the Earth doesn't exactly make it any easier.

I'm currently at a LAN party with four of my best friends and my partner. We graciously got to lend the office from my place of employment as it's currently empty and it's equipped with airconditioning. We're celebrating the Midsummer holidays, playing games and hanging around for four full days. It should be the highlight of my year, especially considering the social effects COVID has had on seeing friends and organising something like this.

For various reasons, I'm having a terrible time though. I just want to go home, sleep for days at end and not think about anything, but my ADHD anxious brain won't even let me do that. Even after the LAN party ends tomorrow, I'll feel bad about it for days or maybe even weeks and I can only blame myself for it.

ADHD

On the other hand, I find it rather interesting as well. I'm always eager to learn about myself and how my brains operate. This year for example, I've learned the hard way that I actually have ADHD on top of the plethora of other issues as well. My overzealous academic streak, which most people would see as evidence to the non-existence of any type of ADHD in my case, has most likely just been misplaced anxiety that I'm compensating by putting way too much effort into everything I do.

My executive dysfunction and ridiculous procrastination are not exactly uncommon for adult ADHD patients either, or so I've learned. The only thing I don't have is trouble focusing on one thing at a time, as long as I either absolutely have to do something or if it's interesting enough and I'm capable of starting to do it.

My brains are scattered all over the place. I forget things I say and do, find myself doing something totally unrelated and diving into a rabbit hole for hours possibly. It's been so bad that I've legitimately been concerned if I have some type of early onset dementia. I should hope not. Having both, I still prefer mental ailments over physical ones.

As it seems to be typical of me, I've already veered into a tangential, topic instead of writing about the reason I started writing this post in the first place.

Anxiety

Most of the time I don't even notice if my anxiety starts to flare up. It's usually my partner who asks me what's up and it always takes me a while to even recognize it even after that. On occasion though, I get pushed over the edge and I start to feel really shitty. I gnaw my teeth during the day and in my sleep. Bruxism isn't a joke either and I either need new teeth or a mouth guard if I keep this up. I start avoiding people and mentally checking out. Social media and people start to cause me despair and I momentarily lose any type of faith that life could be good at some point. Everything just feels doomed and that life in general is just in vain and not worth the effort.

I'm not suicidal at all. Maybe a bit depressed, but that is usually pretty short term and always related to the stressors in my life. I don't want to kill or hurt myself, but often it feels easier if I could either warp to some point in the near future where my life doesn't feel like daily struggle or if I'd just cease to exist.

My go-to solution to stress used to be chain-smoking for a week or two and working at the issues and solving them. After giving up cigarettes — I'm vaping now — I don't feel like I can even work through the issues properly.

My issues are usually related to having too many things to do, like work, university or life in general or money and uncertainty. Things tend to stack because I procrastinate. I procrastinate because I can't get things done and there's too much to do. I'm stuck in a catch-22 situation.

Money

I wouldn't say that money is exactly tight, but currently we have to cut our expenses a bit as well until our situation stabilises a bit. Should be a week or two at most and we'll make up for the lost money so there's no real negative, except for me to get panicky when we hit a bit of uncertain waters for even a short amount of time.

I've had a blissfull half year after I got accepted into rehabilitation, where I get paid to study at mostly my own pace. I don't have to stick with the normal pace that's required if one wishes to enjoy the student benefits, on which you can't even live without taking out a student loan. We literally get enough money for an appartment, food, clothing and everything and all we have to do with my partner is try to further our degrees at a pace that works for us. We haven't had to think about money at all. We're pretty frugal but still could live a mostly normal life.

Now that I have to start to actually budget out of necessity and fear of running out of money, I'm starting to feel the toll. Before I was accepted into rehabilitation, we had to live on my savings as I was denied all sickness and rehabilitation allowances for a good five-six months. I was a mess and I'm afraid I'm heading in that direction again until the situation stabilizes itself again. This time, I barely have any savings so I have no idea what is going to happen if the current financial situation continues for longer than what we're expecting.

Combined with everything

I can't physically and mentally perform. I'm in a shit shape, although I'm on a pretty effective diet and workout program, and my sleep schedule is beyond fucked up. Adding all this to the aformentioned issues I currently have going on, I'm not exactly a social creature at the moment. Introversion comes more naturally to me anyways, but I can be extroverted when necessary as well. People are usually surprised as I'm mostly seen as an extroverted being. Only my partner sees the days of recouperation I need to take after being with people for extended periods of time.

I think I have some fucked up things in my past that have shaped me, my attitudes and behavior quite significantly. I can't exactly pin-point where they stem from, but there's a lot to unpack anyways. My self-esteem has been in the gutter since my teen years and I feel like I have to act like a host and people pleaser when we have people over. I can't ever relax when we have a party because I worry someone is gonna spill drinks on our sofa or break something if I'm not watching over. It's not exactly uncalled for, but I literally feel like I have to be on top of everything and can never take it easy and enjoy myself.

I don't do drugs or drink alcohol to get drunk. I might enjoy a beer or a gin&tonic for its' taste. Excessive consumption and being inebriated on the other hand, even by other people, makes me anxious. Finnish people love to drink and most get togethers with friends usually involve heavy drinking.

Adding to the fact, that I've been cheated on a couple of times and alcohol has always played a part, it's just something that is still pretty raw for me. Worst was, both cases were with separate partners, but both also involved people whom I considered some of my best friends. After 4 years after the second time and 8 after the first one, I'm on speaking terms with both of those "friends" but they're basically acquintances and I haven't even seen the latter of them IRL (nor do I feel like I'd want to) despite us talking it through over a year ago.

I don't know who my friends are and even those who have never let me down, I'm afraid that they will. I don't feel like I belong and my friends don't know who I really am. These are really shit feelings to harbour when you're alone, anxious and life just feels unsurmountable at times.

So, for some rather obvious reasons, I'm not enjoying my time at the LAN party and can't wait till I get home. I've got shit to deal with anyways and I'm just putting it off by sitting here and feeling bad by myself.